I was wondering though yesterday why I felt so eager, or even passionate, about digging into the history and current state of breast feeding. Sleep does amazing things....it gives one answers, if one is willing to receive those. This morning the answer struck me loud and clear.
Yes, I am curious mind, especially about cultural differences and want to always to understand them as widely as possible. To me it is not enough to state "Well, it just is different cause it is a different country", and leave it at that. I want to understand. I also get curious about things that many others would not even think about or pay attention to. My husband, who is a walking knowledge bank, has had so many occasions where he did not know the answer to my question and had to dig out his phone from his pocket to check :) Good practice already for his future role as a father :)
But the underlying reasons for this hunt for information were way deeper....I was trying to find answers, which I cannot get. My two female heroines are not in this world any longer, my mother and my mummi (grandma). They have both moved on to the next room and as much as I know they observe what happens here...this morning I wished I could sit down with them in mummi's kitchen and hear how it all was for them.
I had already earlier put bravely a rubber stamp "not possible to disclose" on those topics but out of all people I should have known better that it does not work just like that.
This morning as the answer struck me, at the same came the tears. I did not care so much anymore about getting to know what kind of stories my mother would tell about her maternity, breast feeding and how I was as a baby. I just missed her and I missed my mummi. I miss the lioness like not-giving-up-spirit both women possessed, as well as the courage to do crazy things, their creativity and humor. Most of all the close bond I had with both. Both women knew without words and even from a distance if things were not right. They did not need Facebook, they felt it. I used to dislike that when I was younger...cause I could not get away with anything :)
This morning I wish I had them with me, sharing this amazing journey. To make peace with this, allowing myself to feel how much I miss them both and share with Sisu what amazing women have come before me in our family. My mom was a package full of emotional intelligence and forever a little rascal. She used to say:" I rather have lived and loved to the full and burned with it than sit in a rocking chair later in life, not feeling anything, cause I tried to keep my life safe." Well, she surely lived and loved...with every piece of her existence. Her emotions were louder than Pavarotti's voice.
I am thankful for both women for passing on to me the not-giving-up-spirit, mental & emotional strength. All that has kept me positive and with the mind set "we can do this" regardless of what has happened during the pregnancy. I have not had the pregnancy I had hoped for but I have had the pregnancy I needed to have to allow me to grow in a different area and transition to a mother-to-be.
I am really looking forward with a positive feeling towards delivering little Sisu to this side of the world. I know it will go well if our team of 3 (Sisu, my husband and myself) work as the good team we have been throughout this journey so far. I might not get to hear answers to how breast feeding was for my mom or how she felt about maternity, or how I was a baby. I have come to the conclusion that at the end how it was when me or my husband were born, it does not really matter.
Sisu is an unique individual and how everything works out with us 3, it is up to us 3 to make it all work our way. It is up to me and Sisu to team up to get the breast feeding to work, as it is up to us 3 to team up to have our new daily routines implemented. In my heart I know that it will go well.I recall when my nephews were born, I was so eager to see how they remind my dear brother or his darling wife, my mother, my mummi or even me. Yes, they have features here and there from all BUT they taught me to realize very fast that they are both unique individuals and have both the most amazingly beautiful minds & hearts, their very own kind.
Our little guy will be a handful for sure but in his very own way :) and his mother is again one step
further ready to be a mother. Sending my love to my mother and my mummi and with that inside I have a calm & loving feeling. Our team of 3 knew even how to tackle this one. My husband holding me in his arms this morning, listening and giving his great support. Sisu kicking in full understanding and giving the reassurance that we will be just fine. I am so thankful for my 1 and 1/2 men :)
0 comments:
Post a Comment